Stupidity: Do What You Have To Do
by Anastasia Athene
Summary: This is my first attempt at GG fanfiction...it's a one-sided R/J from Jess' POV---kinda angsty (lol thanx Drusilla for letting me know)...please R/R *rating just to be safe*


**A/N: This is my first attempt at Gilmore Girls fanfiction, and it's a Rory/Jess, kind of. So if you don't like R/J or just Jess in general, you don't have to read it. ** **It's really angsty, and told from Jess' point of view…enjoy!** **(Disclaimer: I don't own Gilmore Girls, I'm just REALLY obsessed. Oh, and the song is Do What You Have To Do, by Sarah McLachlan. )** **What ravages of spirit**

**Conjured this temptuous rage**

**Created you a monster **

**Broken by the rules of love**

            I can be so stupid sometimes. First I get myself into what my mother called 'rowdy behavior.' That, in turn, gets me sent to live with Uncle Luke here in Stars Hollow, the small town where everybody knows everybody and your business is everybody's business. Of course, when I got here I did some pretty stupid stuff: faking a murder, stealing some bridge money, switching Disney movies with porn…the list goes on. But by far the stupidest thing I've done so far is fall for someone here. And what makes it even stupider is that she has a boyfriend, a jealous, overprotective boyfriend who hates me. This whole damn town hates me, in fact. Because I'm 'bad.' They all just see me as your typical hoodlum and automatically assume I'm going to murder them all. Well, maybe not murder. I might go as far as duct-taping their mouths shut.

**And fate has led you through it--- ** **you do what you have to do**

            Now that I think about it, I really don't give a damn about what they say about me. I don't belong here. I belong back in New York, with my druggie, hoodlum friends. (That was sarcasm, by the way.) But as I think about it some more, I realize something: I belong with her. But of course, I can't ever actually be with her, because she's protected by her mother, my uncle, her boyfriend, and basically the whole fucking town. So I stuff my desire down and put my façade up ; my sarcastic, rude, smirking, rebel-without-a-cause façade. And everyone seems to believe it.

**And I have the sense to recognize **

**That I don't know how to let you go. **

**Every moment marked **

**With apparitions of your soul **

            Well, everyone, that is, except for her. She sees through that wall I put up, that mask I so expertly painted on. And she doesn't only see through it. Oh, no. That wouldn't be enough torture for me. She rams a Mack truck through it and bulldozes straight through my mind, invading every thought and every move and every breath.

            I don't think I can control myself anymore.

**I'm ever swiftly moving **

**Trying to escape this desire **

The yearning to be near you 

**I do what I have to do **

**But I have the sense to recognize **

**That I don't know how to let you go **

            Take yesterday, for instance. It was close to nine; the streetlights had come on and I was sitting on a bench, trying once again to get through _The Fountainhead _for her. I had just finished Chapter 7 when I heard a burst of yelling from across the street. My breath caught in my throat when I realized it was her and her boyfriend, arguing again. I couldn't help but stare as he shouted some final words and stormed away. She stood there for a moment after he left, a shocked look on her pretty features. Then her gaze flickered over to me and I looked away quickly; I didn't want her to think I was watching.

**A glowing ember, burning hot **

**And burning slow **

**Deep within I'm shaken **

**By the violence of existing **

**For only you…**

            And suddenly, there she was, appearing out of nowhere like the angel she was to me. She said nothing, but sat on the bench next to me, tears brimming in her eyes. And the next thing I knew, she had collapsed into my arms, silently sobbing. I didn't know what to do; was I allowed to hold her? allowed to comfort her? allowed to love her, even? I didn't know, so I let my arms wrap around her as she cried into my shoulder. We didn't talk, but that was okay. I wouldn't have known what to say anyway. I was just an outsider in her world---she was the smart, innocent, small-town girl who was destined for Harvard, and here I was, the poor lonely city boy who was heading down the wrong path. But at that point I didn't care. For once I was a part of her world, a part of that golden, beautiful world that I could only long for. I felt the temptation to kiss her, and it took every single ounce of my self-control not to.

            She must have sensed my uneasiness, because after a moment she lifted her head and sniffled a little, smiling tearfully at me.

            "Thanks," she whispered, her voice husky and low. My throat closed up, and I couldn't do anything else but nod in acknowledgement. She seemed to understand, and gave me another teary smile as she disappeared into the jaded street-light toward her house. 

            All I could do was lean back on the bench and sigh.  

**I know I can't be with you **

**I do what I have to do **

            She came into the diner today, and asked for her usual coffee and pancakes. It seemed like everything was back to normal; we bantered sarcastically until she finished her food and asked for another cup of coffee, following me to the counter so she could pay. I gave her the cup and her hand brushed mine. She stared at it for a moment, and looked up again, a nervous sparkle in her eye. I smiled. Maybe I had done some stupid things, but at the moment, falling for Rory Gilmore wasn't one of them.

**I have the sense to recognize **

**That I don't know how to let you go **

**I don't know how to let you go **


End file.
